On Being Daddy

The alarm clock screamed at me this last Sunday morning at it's usual early hour, signaling the time had come for me to drag my rear end out of bed. As per usual, I had tempted fate by pressing the snooze just a few times in the hopes of squeezing in a few more winks and a shower before the kids awoke and began asking for breakfast. I finally forced myself off the pillow, and as I enjoyed the calm awakening effect of the warm shower, I found myself reflecting on fatherhood and what it means to me. Why am I being honored today? Do I really deserve to be honored? Am I the kind of amazing father my Dad was to me, and am I successfully following in his footsteps? Questions such as these beg to be answered daily as I journey through fatherhood, but seem even more prevalent on Father's Day.

During a similar conversation with my two brothers a couple of months ago, my youngest brother, who is the father of three, stated, "Parenthood is so...everything." I readily agreed. What he was trying to express was how impossible it is wrap the brain around a specific and understandable definition of parenthood. There really is no way to put into words what it means to be a father and/or parent, and any attempt to do so serves only to diminish the honor. How can I explain the goosebumps I get when my two-year-old simply says, "Daddy?" How can I explain how precious the moment is when my one-year-old crawls towards me after I walk through the door, just as fast as her little hands and knees can take her? How can I explain the peaceful feeling of contentment as I sit next to my eight-year-old son and discuss life while the fish play with our baited lines? When the kids start peppering me with question after question after question while I'm trying hard to stay focused on some task, and I find myself becoming annoyed or even irritated, yet all the while knowing full well how much I will miss those inquisitions when they are no longer - what words exist to properly explain such a feeling?

And then there is the other end of the spectrum. Moments of such extreme frustration and pure defeat that I begin to question whether or not I am really cut out for this Dad thing. I think every parent questions themselves and their decisions at some point, but there are times when it seems as the world is spinning out of control and all the parental authority in the world won't make it stop. Those times when all I can do is fall to my knees, bury my head in my hands, and cry. Yet even during these darkest moments, when I struggle to find the strength to go on, there is a small part of my deep subconscious telling me, "this is the greatest thing I've ever been a part of, and the greatest thing I will ever be a part of, and I know it." And that's when I say a little prayer and ask God for a little dose of divine encouragement/strength, pull out a few family pictures and stroll down memory lane, and begin to recall just what makes fatherhood the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't put it into words. I can't explain it. All I can do is live it.

As I enjoyed Sunday morning breakfast with the kids (Mandi was taking a shower), I browsed through the paper and landed on a column by Leonard Pitts, Jr., who writes for the Miami Herald. Pitts argues the most important element of fatherhood is spending quality time with one's child. One line in particular, though, really struck me. Pitts writes,

"One of the hardest truths of parenthood is that you never know how well you've done till it's too late to do anything about it. When that child who once clung to your shin becomes a man looking you in the eye, you realize with an abruptness that the time for molding personality and imparting life wisdom has passed." (Follow this link to Pitts' column, if you wish.)

I looked up from my paper and took a moment to observe each one of my kids and their beauty, and I praised God for allowing me to experience this unexplainable phenomenon called Fatherhood. I then set the paper down and basked in the glory of Fatherhood. Each of my kids presented me with their handmade cards, gave me lots of hugs, kisses, and smiles, and made me realize just how blessed I really am to have been given this opportunity. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste it.