Instinct vs. Expert

It's been awhile since I had a chance to sit down at the computer and relay life experiences. Mandi and I are on the heels of an exhausting week with our youngest daughter, as she decided the day after Father's Day that sleep just wasn't a big priority. She had always slept very well, both at nap time and at night, so this sudden change was both confusing for us, as well as extremely frustrating. One of the hardest parts of parenting, I have found, is not knowing how to best comfort a child who can't put into words just what has him/her upset. Korynne began screaming at the top of her lungs when we would so much as approach her crib to lay her down, and we were/are at a loss as to explain why. She would awaken at 4 or 5 in the morning and refuse to go back to sleep without lots of comforting and consoling. It wasn't even so much that she was simply awake, although that in itself would have presented a big enough issue. Rather, she would scream in what seemed like sheer terror, thus waking the rest of the family and causing some serious disruption in our home. This presented a myriad of problems including two more tired and irritable children, and exhausted parents who were at a loss to solve the problem.

We spent hours researching the problem, talking to our pediatrician and even our chiropractor, and seeking advice and opinions from other parents and child caretakers. At the peak of our frustration/exhaustion, Mandi finally blurted the aged but true line, "opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one." She could not have been more correct, and her humor provided a small but much needed relief! While opinions varied widely on the subject, we found some comfort in one common thread - we were not alone. It seems this kind of behavior is pretty common with kids the same age as Korynne, and such a realization gave us at least some confidence that we would eventually get through the phase.

As I alluded to, we found a plethora of different opinions on how to help our little Korynne through this difficult phase. But all of the advice seemed to point in one general direction, that being the idea of "tough love." We were not supposed to cater to her incessant crying and screaming, but instead let her "cry it out." Various methods were suggested, from not giving her any attention at all, to going into her room at various increments in order that she would not feel abandoned. The theory behind this "tough love" was/is the overall avoidance of developing habit-forming rituals before sleeping time. For example, it would have been easy to just pick Korynne up and rock her to sleep, but the school of thought is that she would then become dependant on such a practice, and wouldn't have the ability to fall asleep on her own. Taking Korynne into bed with us in order to provide some level of comfort was met with much the same resistance from the "experts."

The problem, in our case, was the length of Korynne's crying/screaming fits. We were not talking about ten or fifteen minutes, or even a half hour. At one point, she fought, kicked, screamed, and tried to climb out of her crib for nearly three hours while we followed the "tough love" advice. To both Mandi and I, that seemed quite excessive. How are we to allow our child, who is obviously very bothered by something, to go on for such an extended period of time and in such a fit of rage? That goes against every bit of natural parental instinct, and even overall human instinct. We wouldn't have thought twice about allowing our other children, or even adult friends, to cry for such an extended period of time without offering some sort of comfort. It's just not natural. Whatever it was that was bothering Korynne was certainly not going to go away because we allowed her to "cry it out." It boils down to common logic and just being human.

A few evenings ago, I was dumping my thoughts, concerns, and frustrations on a good friend and coworker who has a one-year-old as well. Jen is the type of person who follows her natural instincts better than anyone I know, and is not afraid of what the "experts" tell her could be potential fallout from her actions. She respects what others have to say and the opinions they offer, but is certainly more inclined to do what comes naturally as a human being and a Mom. After our discussion, she stumbled on an article by Peggy O'Mara, who publishes and edits Mother Magazine and has written several books and articles on mothering. The article, A Quiet Place, discusses and dispels many of the "tough love" ideas, and encourages parents to follow their natural, human, and even ancestral instincts. It was a relieving and refreshing read, and the advice O'Mara gives is so much more down-to-earth than what we were given from the doc's office and the online experts.

In the end, and I suppose I had better wrap up this novel, Korynne seems to be doing much better. She took her usual two naps yesterday without incident, and she went to sleep last night without any problems. She even slept until 8:00 this morning! She is happily napping again now, and while I don't want to jinx anything, she seems to have moved past whatever it was that was bothering her. Another phase come and gone, and yet another parental learning experience. Now, where's my pillow???